one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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