apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
