Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
