I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
