We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
