What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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