apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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