My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i love accidental penises.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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