Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
