Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
