i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize