Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
