I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize