You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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