pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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