Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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