dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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