i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
