this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Houston, we have a blender
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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