Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
