would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
