It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
