I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
