i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
