Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize