Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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