Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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