god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
