I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
