Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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