Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
