highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
