I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
