I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
