How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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