Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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