i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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