pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
