My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
