i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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