my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
These tits shall not be calmed
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
