Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I need to calm my uterus...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
