I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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