they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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