yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
