why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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