Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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