ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
