why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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