Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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