dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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