I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
