I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
