Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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