Only a mothe r could love this liver
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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