He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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