My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
