how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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