Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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