There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
