Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
