I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
