Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
