I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
