pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
he thought i was a dude.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Randomize
