THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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