I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
