Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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