I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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