i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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